Snowball War
by The Infamous Salem-chan
Summary: A story I wrote out of pure fudging boredom. SWEARING!
1. Epic and Awesome Beginning

**Snowball Fight**

_Author's note: Yes, I know. I'm making a story about a snowball fight in early June. Does this make sense? Answer: Hell no. Does it need to? Answer: Your's to decide. Yes, I know the 3rd chapter of Never Felt Anything hasn't come out yet. Frankly, I doubt anyone really cares. Whatever, enough of my self-pity party. Time for the randomness to begin! WHO WILL WIN!?_

_BEGIN!! _X3

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"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!"

"Salem, there's no need to go psycho. It's a snowball fight, not World War II," Ichigo said while making that weird motion with his hands people seem to make whenever they're trying to tell you that you're overreacting.

"Quiet soldier! War is war, no matter the form! No being soft!" The two of us were hiding behind a make-shift fortress of snow from Shuuhei. The boy was fast and was whipping snowballs of death at us. Meaning all snowballs were going over fifty miles a freaking hour. I was outfitted in a white snowsuit with a scarf, ear muffs, goggles, gloves...the works. As a matter of freaking fact, I would've blended in with the snow completely if it weren't for my crimson eyes and bags under my crimson eyes. Ichigo was wearing a black snowsuit, red scarf, red gloves, red goggles...as you can plainly tell, I forced all of that on him.

"Feel the wrath of my snowballs!!" I rolled my eyes at Shuuhei's battle cry. And please perverts, leave the comments to yourself.

Ichigo was scowling but turned to look at me."Salem, if your the author, why don't you give yourself a High-Tech Snowball bazooka or something?"

"Now now Ichigo, that would be cheating. Salem-sama doesn't cheat," I explained while shaking my finger."Cheating in a snowball fight is a big no-no." Ichigo scowled at me. I couldn't blame him. After all, we were hiding for our freaking lives. Yes, I say freaking a LOT."Don't worry, Ichigo-kun! I have a master plan that can easily be explained with this diagram."

"What dia-"

I slammed I diagram right in front of his face and pulled out my handy-dandy pointer stick."Here's the run down, soldier. I'll roll out and open fire. You use Zangetsu to blast this fortress to smithereens. Now, I know this sounds suicidal, but the debris will attack the enemy. Thus screwing them. Any questions?" I crossed my arms with my five star no-nonsense face on. Ichigo's mouth was open to say something, but I cut him off."Operation Kick Ass is a GO!"

I dramatically jumped out and began dodging/throwing snowballs for my life. Shuuhei was throwing from in front, and to his right was Rangiku and left was Momo. To the left, cartwheel, throw, whip, duck, sway, slam, and then I nearly got hit. Everything was in slow-mo. The cold snowball was flying right for my head, but I bent back so much my head brushed the snow. My hair whisked around by the force, and my blood-red eyes shone with determination. I was soooo gonna kick some ass. Suddenly I took one to the gut, and fell into the cold unforgiving snow. My face immediately numbed, but I staggered up refusing defeat.

I rose to see my enemies had disappeared under snow. Ichigo had Zangetsu slung over his shoulder and was wearing his usual scowl."You happy Commander Salem?"

"Extremely," I replied, shifting from foot to foot happily."TAKE THAT SHUUHEI, RANGIKU, AND MOMO!!" I cackled maniacally. Triumph was all I could feel at the moment. Can you blame me for forgetting this was a battle field?

"Mae, Sode no Shirayuki." Only the release command of a zanpaktou was enough to snap me out of it. My head spun round to see Rukia, but it was too late. I was in the circle. Something landed on top of me and knocked me right out of the circle right before it froze everything up to infinity and freaking beyond.

"Holy flying fuck...thanks," I said to the mystery person. James Bond just winked and faded into the wind."Well that wasn't weird or messed up at all." I rolled up, brushed myself off, and prepared for all out ass kicking. Rukia and I were having a stare down, and I did that over-used 'Come at me' hand thingy. She just narrowed her eyes and readied her zanpaktou. Then suddenly Hitsugaya went flying between our stare down, and I promptly turned my attention to him. By the way, Ichigo was busy facing Uryuu as in throwing snowballs at each other not trying to slit each other's throats and use their blood as syrup on the winner's pancakes. Wow, I think I go on YouTube too much...

Hitsugaya was bleeding from the head and his dragon was charging for whatever knocked him to where he was standing. I looked to see that Mayuri had did that to him. Level of Anger-Totally and Utterly Pissed Off. Over-dramatically, I fwished(yes fwished) my head to the side and looked Rukia with a straight face."Sorry Rukia-chan. Shiro-kun's in battle, and I must assist. Our battle will continue once I'm done." Before she could argue, I jumped insanely high into the air as all anime characters seem to be able to do. They also usually are able to float for some odd reason, and same goes for me.

"Okay Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Your fight is no longer with Shiro-kun, but with I, the author of this-"

"Crap heap?" Mayuri asked in that weirdo pedophile tone of his.

"OH! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT BITCH! I'LL PWN YOUR SORRY ASS!! THIS IS SOOO MY FIGHT NOW!" I pulled out my zanpaktou and readied it. Now I bet you're all wondering,"Oh great Salem-sama, how did you become a Soul Reaper?" (I can dream, right?) Well dearest readers/reader, I'm the author. So I just kick ass that hard people.

"Salem, I don't need-"

I cut Hitsugaya off."Yakedo no Shi, Mi-!" But I was cut off my being crushed by a giant snowball. Snowboulder. Whatever. I clawed my way through to the top and spit out some water."BLEH!! HOW THE HELL!?"

"Thanks Nemu," Mayuri said like 'Yeah yeah'. That man pissed me off to no end. Man? I can't even be sure anymore. There was a yell and suddenly everyone turned to see Shuuhei holding his nose. Which was bleeding like a freaking hose. Guess why folks? C'mon, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Hell, it doesn't take a pre-school graduate. You can be crawling round on your knees with shit in your pants. Senile or baby, THIS IS SO OBVIOUS!! What? You people haven't guessed yet? Who was he standing beside? Go back up and freaking check.

TOO LATE!! I'll just tell you. Rangiku had zipped down her coat like WAY down and was wiping snow off of her over-large boobs. Sighing, I shook my head. Men are so freaking hopeless. Momo had also managed to dig herself out and was shaking snow off her head, completely oblivious to the fact that there was people staring at the person behind her.

"Okay, I'm done." Everyone turned to me."I'm done fucking around. This ends now." Being the writer, I noticed that a gigantic cannon conveniently appeared.

Ichigo yelled,"I THOUGHT THAT 'SALEM-SAMA' DIDN'T CHEAT!"

I grinned my most insane psychotic grin I could."Salem-sama doesn't cheat. However, Salem-sama does give herself a cutting edge sometimes. FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!" I flipped into the air and landed right behind the cannon. In one swift motion, I pointed the cannon to the heavens and fired five times. No one saw anything but smoke.

"What is this pother?" Mayuri asked and everyone looked in his general direction."What?" Surprisingly he could tell all eyes were on him."You imbeciles. Pother is a disturbance, and another meaning is a cloud of smoke. Works both ways."

The smoke cleared and down from the heavens were snowboulders bigger than elephants. Everyone's eyes were the size of dinner plates, except Nemu who was just staring at the boulder like it wasn't going to be her demise. Let me tell you, most of them were smart cookies. Others...not so much.

Ichigo was a smart cookie. He took out Zangetsu and sliced the boulder in half right as it was about to land on him and Rukia. Shiro-kun rolled out of the way all awesome like. You know, old school Matrix style. Mayuri was the exact opposite of a smart cookie and got his ass pwned two ways to Sunday. I grinned to myself and thought, _Being the writer definitely pays off when it comes to this shit. _Nemu just punched through it, so whenever it landed it was like a boulder with a Nemu sized hole down the middle. Then broke into a good many pieces. Nice. The last one didn't land on Momo, Rangiku, and Shuuhei as I had planned. Scratching my head, I wondered where it...

Then something like an Eclipse happened. Total darkness, and I looked up. My own snowboulder was coming straight for me. _In situations where gravity is against you, being the writer sucks. Especially when you did it to yourself. Damn me._

Like magic I wasn't there or touching the ground. I looked up to see it was a 'Damsel-in-Distress' cliche. I, Salem-sama, had been saved by Uryuu Ishida. Well fuck."Thanks Uryuu," I said staring at where I had been. Your dearest Salem-sama would've been toast. Frozen toast. Uryuu set me down and whipped a snow ball at Ichigo so fast I didn't even know until it hit him. Now that my cutting edge had nearly killed me, I decided to play clean. As clean as I could anyway...mwhahahahahaaa...

"SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE!!" Shuuhei yelled randomly. Everyone looked at him.

I frowned and said,"That song's like a Michael Jackson song and is on Twilight one of the gayest movies in the Universe, but your taste is your-"

"NO, SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE RIGHT THERE!!" He pointed to the sky and everyone looked up with fish eyes. Then they glared at moi.

"HELL NO!! I'M NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID AS TO SUMMON A BLACK HOLE THAT'D KILL US ALL!! That includes me and Shiro-kun, so I wouldn't do it." Everyone rolled their eyes then adressed the problem at hand. The black hole begun to try and suck us in like a vacumm.

My hair whipping everywhere, I pouted and crossed my arms."Is this the end of our snowball war?"

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**X3 DON'T ASK, I WAS AS BORED AS HELL WHEN I STARTED!! Then the whole 'Saved by Uryuu' thing came from a weird and dramatic dream I had. Yeah, it was pretty freaking weird. He also kissed me, and I'm not even an Uryuu fangirl. So I was like "o.o What the fudge?" Then the Super Massive Black Hole came from another one of my dreams where a super massive black hole appeared with Super Massive Black Hole playing in the background. Very weird, I know. But I once had a dream about killer bunnies(no lie), so not really. Well hope you enjoyed. X3 If anyone actually gives a fudge, please PM to make another chapter!! BYE~!**


	2. Just When You Think Everything Is Normal

_Author's note: YO WAZZUP HOMIES!? There are two sole reasons I decided to continue this. 1) It got 2 reviews on the first chapter! I feel pitiful saying this, but hell I'm proud I got that. And 2) I HAVE CINNAMON CRUMB CAKE IN MY FUDGING HOUSE!! _83 _That shit tastes too good! Anything else to add...I don't think so. ENJOY!! AND IF YOU FLAME I'LL...NOT GIVE YOU ANY VIRTUAL COOKIES!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M JUST TOO EVIL!!_

_By the way, am I the only person in the Universe who's had a dream about an evil wiener dog kidnapping one of their family? I'm curious if anyone has had something similar to that..._

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WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO'S(Hero's...hm, I'm curious if we can be considered that) WHEN THIS HAPPENED: My hair whipping everywhere, I pouted and crossed my arms."Is this the end of our snowball war?"

Ichigo gave me that stared that told me 'Shut up before I make you shut up.' Violent much? I suggested,"Maybe we can use one of those movie methods of stopping a giant black hole from sucking up the entire known and unknown Universe. Like in that Fairly Odd Parents movie Wishology whenever they somehow used a boom box and nine hundred pounds of cocktail weenies." Everyone stared at me in disbelief."So what? I watch cartoons. You don't like it, then kiss my ass."

"Well gee, Salem, that's the best idea you've had all year," Ichigo scoffed."However, we don't have NINE HUNDRED POUNDS OF COCKTAIL WEENIES OR A BOOM BOX DAMMIT! HOW WOULD THAT STOP AND EFFING BLACK HOLE ANYWAY!?"

"I DUNNO, BUT IT WORKED FOR TIMMY TURNER!!"

"AND WHO THE FUCK IS TIMMY TURNER!?"

I gasped then snarled,"You sicken me!" Ichigo gave me that million dollar 'What the fucking hell?' face, and I turned to the problem at hand."MY DEAREST COMRADES, I MUST ASK YOU ALL SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT!!" They all stared at me for a moment as I built dramatic tension like the awesome kick ass writer I am."Anyone got any ideas?" They all groaned. Our impending doom was upon us evidently. Oh the undying joy(BWHAHAHAHAHA HANA I'M USING YOUR SAYING!! Sorry, friend of mine...).

Suddenly(that word is used a lot by me isn't it?)there was a convenient kit that said, in bold print,'HOW TO STOP A SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE FROM KILLING EVERYONE AROUND YOU AND YOURSELF FLIP TO OTHER SIDE FOR MORE DETAILS' Being curious, I flipped it. The other side read in medium sized print,'Made in U.S.A.-'then in itsy bitsy print,'China'. Damn Americans, trying to make everyone think they make their own damn products. _U.S.A. is a big city in China that made a lot of products, right?_ I wondered while opening the kit. I don't think anyone else noticed me yet. To preoccupied with their impending doom. Gosh.

Inside was a bottle of gorilla glue."Dammit...I thought the Chinese were good at this shit(no offense intended to Chinese peeps CALM THE FUDGE DOWN)," I scoffed, glaring."SCREW THIS GLUE!" I grabbed the gorilla glue and threw it into the black hole thinking _Heh...rhyme. _And then the black hole was sucked into something else and the gorilla glue bottle fell into the snow with a soft thud. I stared at it for a few seconds and yelled,"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

"I think the gorilla glue bottle sucked in the black hole...this story so screwed up." That was Shiro-kun F.Y.I.

I blinked."I didn't plan on that...but I'm not dead. Thus I have no reason to complain," I said, walking over to the gorilla glue and picking it up. Wow, I must've been high to think of that...whatever!"LET US CONTINUE OUR SNOWBALL WAR!!" I then proceeded to throw a snowball right into Ichigo's mouth.

"PEH-BLEH-ACK!! WHY IS EVERYONE THROWING SNOWBALLS AT ME!? WHEN DID I BECOME THE MAIN TARGET, HUH!?" Ichigo yelled, spitting on the parts of the snowball that weren't melted already. Everyone except our dear Strawberry looked at me, smirked evil-ish-ly, and began rapidly pelting Ichigo with snowballs.

"Hmm...why do I feel this story is about to take another odd twist...?" I muttered to no one. Dark clouds began forming above as I, everyone's favorite main character(=3),dramatically glared at the sky with growing worry. _Just when you think everything is normal then...BOOM! Then again it would be boring without BOOM's, you know?_ The wind began to blow softly, but turned into a very violent gust. As in 'Surrender Dorothy!!' bad.

"MWHAHAHAHAHA!!" A voice came from the sky, deep and horrible. Everyone dramatically turned to look at the new swirl of black clouds. _This is turning out like one of those bad suspense/drama movies...nyah..."_MWHAHAHAHA-AGH! OH SH-" There came a fit of coughing and choking with some inserted swear words. It finally stopped after a good two minutes of my life that I shall never get back.

"Kenny don't choke! It's impolite!"

"OH GOD NO!!" I yelled, grabbing the hilt of my zanpaktou."FOR THE LOVE OF-WHO PUT HIM IN THIS STORY!?"

"YOU DID!" everyone yelled in unison.

"...Well!" I pulled out my zanpaktou one-handed, glaring at the sky."Yakedo no Shi, Miko.(Burn to Death, Crimson Truth)" Miko glowed crimson, and everyone backed away a good few feet.

Kenpachi landed on the ground with Yachiru clinging to his shoulder like a monkey."Whoa, whoa, I'm not here to sword fight."

Everyone froze. Many had their own odd reactions, but here's mine(cause I matter more...heehee...): My jaw dropped, my eyes grew, and I twitched."Who-the hell-ARE YOU!?" I screamed, shoving my zanpaktou inches from his nose.

"Kenpachi Zaraki, Captain of Eleventh division," he said, staring at me."Salem, we can't go through this EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you."

I groaned."That's not ME who does that. That's Ichi-chan!"

"WHOA WHOA SINCE WHEN AM I ICHI-CHAN!?"

"Since five seconds ago," I said, sticking my tongue out."Nyah nyah nyah! Watcha' gonna do 'bout that, Ichi-chan!"

"YOU'RE SO SCREWED!!"

"Oh Ichi-chan! You're so naughty! Bad boy!" I laughed manically. This caused a unnamed two to have nose bleeds. AHEMURYUUANDSHUUHEIAHEM!! I'm innocent...

"YOU SICKO!! WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!"

"You're TRYING to give me ideas, aren't you? Eh Ichi-chan?" I flicked his nose and turned my attention back to Kenpachi."Okay, Kenny-IF that's your real name. I'm curious. What are you here for?"

"I'm here to end this story." I blinked. _Whaaaa?_"This story is so boring it needs to be ended."

"WHAT!?" I yelled in rage."Hey, this story is plenty interesting!"

"Then name something."

"Okay, the whole freaking thing." I smirked proudly and crossed my arms."I hath said it, and now it is LAW!"

"Wow, that's TOTALLY not conceited of you Salem," Uryuu said. I didn't reply. Why should I care what homos like him think of my story? OOOOOO BURNED!!

"Time to end it," he said. Suddenly I realized something. The widest grin in history strectched from my one ear to another as I faced Kenpachi."Whoa dude. That's not right..my grin doesn't even stretch that far." (By the way, how DOES he grin like that? Wouldn't it hurt...?)

"You cannot end it because I'm in control. What are you gonna do?"

"Rip the screen in half like they seem to be able to do on the old cartoons."

"HA! THIS IS THE NEW AGE, OLDY!! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!"

He grimaced at "Oldy". Then after a few hours of yelling random things at one another(Ex.: "ASS WIPE!!" "BITCH!!" Blah blah blah...), Kenpachi and I decided to try to slice each other to ribbons. Cause, you know, we needed to scream at each other for hours on end and torture everyone around us before we killed each other.

"Fifty bucks on Salem!" Shuuhei yelled, watching as our fight progressed.

"Hundred on Kenpachi!" Rangiku challenged with a smirk.

"QUIT IT GUYS!!" Ichigo yelled."THIS FAN FIC ISN'T WORTH KILLING EACH OTHER OVER!!"

"WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON ICHI-CHAN!?" I yelled, barely dodging Kenpachi's(XD Spell check suggested Gazpacho's) near slice to my poor shoulder."ARE YOU SUGGESTING THIS SUCKS!?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes and decided not to get any further involved. Now, I was going to make me win, but that seemed much to conceited. I mean suddenly I'm going to be stronger than everyone including the Captain of first division and rule the Soul Society. I promise people, I'm not THAT much of a bitch. Slight bitch but not that much. So skipping forward to my overly dramatic defeat.

The cold unforgiving wind gusted around me as it made me wounds burn much worse. As if in slow motion, I fell into the icy ground. All the snow around me slowly turned blood red as I panted and bled. My vision becoming blurry, I closed my eyes to the world. Wishing it would fade. Pain and all...

PSYCHE!!

Phft! As if I could do something that dramatic in an effing parody. Plus that's depressing, wouldn't you agree? Of course you would! (Note: I apologize for writing this part as author author not character as author. =3 See I apologized. I'm such a saint...)

Ken had that weirdo huge ass grin on his face. The one that makes him look like the most psychotic serial killer in the whole freaking universe. Yeah, that one. He stepped on me(did I mention I was collapsed and conscious on the ground?) and said,"Has this game come to an end? How boring."

"Boring? Jeez, I was fighting you for a few hours. Conflict-hungry asshole. Either way, I'm not finished. Thank you very fucking much!" _I think he forgot what he came here to do..._

"Oh yeah! I'm just making this run longer! Oops." _DAMMIT!! _"Whatever. Now this ends..."

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**DUN DUN DUN!! IT'S A CLIFFY!! Which I know you all love. =3 Even though it is in no way dramatic or leaving you hungry for more. I actually started this right after I finished the first. XD Just proves how freaking lazy I am. And I felt like adding Kenpachi cause I couldn't think of any other way to keep it going. Which is quiet ironic now that I think about it...Don't expect the next chapter anytime soon. Though I will be making it. Just super duper slow as freaking usual. Oh yeah, and the cinnamon crumb cake was gone much before I finished this. =( Makes me wish I had more right now...OH WELL!! REVIEWS ARE ENJOYED!! OR SALEM-CHAN WILL GO FROWNY FROWN!! DX AND SALEM-CHAN DOESN'T WANT TO GO FROWNY FROWN!! BYEZ!!**


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